1. How do you picture your funeral? Is it important to have people on hand to mourn you?
Huge mourning. We may need to rent the National Cathedral. I think I will start getting together an appropriate media team to coordinate the televised lines as I lay in state. Speechifyin’, Mommas cryin’. That is what I foresee.
2. Is there anything anyone could have/should have told you that would have made your first sexual experience more rewarding?
It is not a race. The goal isn’t to perform sex as if it were a bank heist. Quick in. Blow the safe then a quick getaway.
3. Can you go to the restroom in front of another person?
Usually. Unless I am incredibly farty. Then I will pee in the stall not the urinal so I can really let a corker go. Otherwise just come on over and I will pee for you anytime. Call first so I can get my bladder really full. I would like to be nice host and if you can for pee, then I think I am obligated to really let go with some, so a polite call in advance would really be in your interest.
4. How do you react when people sing Happy Birthday to you in a restaurant?
Generally badly. Badly and embarrased. However a few years back I was accidentally serandaded by some songstress at a birthday celebration at La Chuga’s in North Denver. It was such a bad performance that looking back, it was very funny. She didn’t sing Happy Birthday but I don’t recall the song. (Any help out there on that?)
5. If you had to spend a season in a small but fully provisioned Antarctic shelter with one other person, whom would you like to have with you?
Well, this is where I get an edge of folks. See, I have no spouse or cherished love ones that I am contractually obligated to live with. So I can wipe away the sentiment. I won’t have to say: “My wife, because together we can tackle the world – with our love.” That leaves me with a realistic view. And since the Antarctic is a terrible mistress, full of danger, weather and challenges, I need someone who knows what they are doing – because I don’t. I would choose Kevin’s pal Arne. I disagree politically with just about everything about him, but he could kill a seal and keep the fire burning – all important points.
1. I have my Funeral Compilation mostly finished. I’ll have the audience wearing sackcloth and ashes and send them on a year long bender with the drug of their choice.
2. “Sage, if you’re going to have sex in a coal pit, and you’re going to be on top, make sure the guy is nice enough to put his coat under your knees so you don’t LOOK like you just had sex in a coal pit.” Good times, good times.
3. I can pee in front of anyone, really. However my PPP (Public Pooping Phobia) dictates that although I love to use farts as a punchline, I gotta be far, far away for the real #2 bidness.
4. I hate it. I think it’s the numerous “Office Space”-like ‘birthday parties’ in Corporate America I was forced to endure that sullied that song for me. As for Roy’s La Chuga Serenade, I can’t recall the song but we have a stellar photo of the embarrassed little birthday boy.
5. I luck out. I choose Adam and he can a) kill things and cook them, b) he’s very funny and laughs at my fart jokes, c) he can grow pot and make wine and d) he’s way bigger than me so if worse came to worse I could live in his Tonton carcass while waiting for help. I’m just sayin’.
1. Definitely not in a church. Maybe the Bluebird or the Gothic (we’ll see how many friends I have by then). Tons of flowers. I mean it people. TONS. An open bar (cause it would have meant so much to Eddie). A witty irreverent eulogy that I probably wrote myself. And Marty Jones singing a couple of his hits. . . .”Next Time You See Me I’ll Be Dead,” and “One More Beer,” as they wheel me down the center aisle—one last time.
2. WhatÂ’s *she* doing here?
3. I find bathroom socialization to be awkward. Usually much happier doing #1 solo.
4. I wouldnÂ’t know. In the entire 26 years of my existence, IÂ’ve never had it sung to me. AHEM.
5. Well—you said “fully provisioned” so I don’t need to give a damn about logistics. I’m thinking Animal Planet’s Jeff Corwin. (Ty Pennington was the first runner-up). Jeff could teach me to appreciate wildlife, while I taught him to appreciate me.
(spit take with Eddie’s answers)
ditto.
tonton carcass, sage??
Thank you girls! Even from the other side of the pond, I still got it.
!) I picture my funeral as a house party with all my friends & family mingling & laughing a lot.
@) Wait for a less sleazy guy, maybe.
#) It all depends on how intoxicated I am. If sober, no. If drunk then yes (sometimes).
$) I typically blush crimson. Particularly if they’re singing in an operatic tone & making me stand on my chair twirling a napkin over my head.
%) Thom probably. We make each other laugh a lot but don’t always have to talk.
1) Let me burn and then I want my ashes & urn/soda can handed around like the Stanley Cup after the finals. No funeral please.
2) Hymen? Why didn’t they ‘splain what the hell the Hymen was and how it hurts the other participant when you poke through it.
3) No bathroom shyness. Not even much shyness for #2. I suspect growing up with siblings, the Military and college parties took away any self conciousness I had around bodily functions.
4)I don’t mind it. I don’t love it, but have had enough of it to take it and know it was done for all the right reasons. That is except for that damn Mariachi Band at Casa Bonita, may they all rot in hell for my 8th B-day embarassment.
5)Only one season and I have food? Well then I will say Anna Nicole Smith. She needs to bulk up a little and my, the entertainment factor is major on many different levels. Physical and (lack of) mental).