The Friday Fives

1. Where’s the worst place you’ve thrown up?

Maybe not the worst place, but still a good story.  In Gunnison, in college – they have very, very wide streets to accommodate all the winter snow and facilitate its removal.   One night, driving from a “townie” bar, quite, quite drunk, heading up the 5 or 6 blocks back to my dorm I was so “in my cups” that the process of being in a moving car sent my stomach off.  While still driving, I moved towards the side of the road – still driving – and opened my door and hurled, holding the car door open with one hand and negotiating the snowy/icy street with the other hand on the steering wheel. Not my best moment. 


2. What’s your worst allergy?

I can usually get a sinus infection at the drop of pollen in the air.  I have been lucky over the last few years, but still  – I tend to skip the colds and move right to a sinus infection. 


3. What’s the worse cold/sickness you’ve experienced?

When I was 27 years old I caught the chicken pox while on drill with the army reserves and was subsequently bedridden for 3 weeks, including what the doctor described as chicken pox pneumonia which presented with pox on the inside of my lungs. 

4. When you’re sick, what’s your go to comfort food?

Cream of tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwich.


5. When it’s infected, do you hate the swelling or the itching?’

I don’t mind the swelling – who does. But I don’t care for the itching.

The Friday Fives

1. What is your job in the medieval world?

Roy Nallson – Medieval Accountant. 

“Get Yee Chickens Counted Here.” 

2. You start homesteading in Deadwood – how do you make your bones in the wild, wild west?

Celebrity gambling dice sharpener

3. In the near future, jobs have been eliminated and replaced by robots. How do you spend your time?

Flower arranging. I can do it better than robots. I’m talking to you, Vonnegut!

4. The aliens arrive and want some explanations of humankind that may be confusing. What do you explain to them?

Humans do no recreate by ejaculating on women’s faces, despite the pornographic “sex education training films.”

5. In an alternate timeline, what are you now doing for a career that you aren’t doing now?

Said this before – I am Rob Petrie and a television writer for Alan Brady. 

Friday Fives

1. Of all movie opening scenes, what one sold the entire film the most?

The opening scene of M*A*S*H.  by Roger Altman. Most of the film doesn’t hold up in the #metoo world – it is a misogynistic and racist mess. But the opening scene all taken in one shot from the choppers landing to the triage and beginning of surgery really sets the tone.

2. What’s the one horror movie that genuinely terrified you while watching it?

I am not a big fan of the genre, but I did see the Blair Witch Project in a theater with knowing absolutely nothing about it and it scared me shitless!

3. What was your weirdest movie theatre experience?

In the army, on the base in Germany, we had a movie theater and this family almost always showed up with a picnic basket featuring full meals – brisket and potatoes and salad – the whole deal. It was always so odd to observe their obliviousness or, dare I say, genius at their approach to movie watching.

4. What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve brought into the movie theater?

Bourbon to put in the Cokes in order to enjoy sipping through a Red Vines® straw.

5. What used to be extra common in movie theaters that you just don’t see anymore?

The crying baby room (bring that back) and the smoking section (no need for a return).

Friday Fives

1. What is a product/service that you can’t still believe exists in 2019?

Phone booths and prepaid long distance phone cards.

2. What was common in 1999 but is unusual in 2019?

Answering machines and caller ID boxes that you rented from the phone company.

3. What is debunked but people still belive in?

The moon landing(s).  Look people it happened.  From my neighbors front yard as a boy in the early 1970s, we could aim a telescope up to the moon and see them up there with our own eyes.  Science!

4. What instrument would you like to hear more of in modern music?

The French Horn.  Yes, an electric rock French Horn. That’s what the kids need nowadays.

5. Someone stops you and offers $1 million if you can talk 1 hour without stopping or stuttering about a topic of your choosing. What do you pick to speak about?

Keep it broad to enable you to fill time.  Classic American literature. I can blather on about that for hours. (Hell, Moby Dick can last hours.)

This was completely unrehearsed and ad libbed:

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The Friday Fives

1. What is something every day, yet on reflection you realize you really appreciate?

The simple beauty and functionality of the intersection stop light.   It works, universally across the globe.

2. What is the greatest invention ever?

Those people mover things in airports to traverse between long ass concourses.  (Seriously, it is probably the smartphone when history comes back and assess it all.)

3. What activity in P.E were you surprised that you were good at?

Running the half mile – I was actually pretty good.  And we had this very dangerous game played on these wooden scooter things that usually ended in someone getting a foot or a hand run over – but I was pretty good at the soccer game we played on those death traps.

4. What is so traumatic and disturbing that it ruined your month or year?

11/7/2016 – the dawn of the Trumpacalypse.  I still find myself sometimes just pausing with my jaw agape realizing that somehow this country made that man the most powerful man in the word.  Stunned.

5. What is something you will only buy name brand?

Toothpaste – Crest. Always Crest.