The Friday Fives

1. What’s your “I can’t believe they got away with this in a kid show” moment?

I will go with the subversive Nickelodeon show from the ’90s – the adventures of Pete and Pete.

2. What’s the darkest secret you found out about a family member/ relative?
Well, I do have a cousin going to trial next month for murdering his wife – there will be dark secrets coming out of that mess.

3. Headphones or earbuds, which do you prefer and why?
I have a wicked pair fo In Ear Monitors (IEMs) which are turbocharged – the sound is phenomenol and I use a cool little bluetooth adapter and rock right out. i do use headphones for listening to evening television on the Roku so as not to wake folks up.

4. What are your current go-to lazy meals?
One can tuna steaks from Costco; a few dollops of chipotle “Bitchin’ Sauce” from Costco. Open tuna, drain, toss in the sauce and enjoy – so so good.

5. Who’s your favorite comedian?
All time – Carlin. Lately – Seth Meyers.

The Friday Fives

List those five things we assume Donald Trump can do in his retirement?

  1. Golf, sure but I see this as kind of a Bluth family affair on Arrested Development – the Trumps find themselves broke so they are forced to open a nationwide miniature golf franchise to try and stay afloat.
  2. Perhaps he can become an angler – going off each morning to soak his bare feet in the pier at Mar – A – Lago , wearing overalls and straw hat – casting a reel.
  3. He will spend most of his time in courtrooms answering bankruptcy judges questions on where all the money went – sweating and yelling and getting fined over and over again for his courtroom behavior.
  4. Back to gold – make it more Bluth-like – may Frisbee gold courses or Ultimate – something that his fat ass would never be able to attempt without breaking a hip or knee.
  5. And of course, his fat ass can just go off to jail.

The Friday Fives

1. What won’t you miss of 2020?
The safer at home – shelting in place. i get it. This virus is ugly and mean and deadly but I am so bored – the fun of zoom calls is over. The joy of binging on the latest is now ho hum. I have read more in these last nine months than I did as a lit. major in college. Let’s get back to weekend brunches and find that elusive second place.

2. What will you be eagerly anticipating
The eviction of Trump and eradication of this virus.

3. Are you gonna get vaccinated?
Absolutely. Right now if I could. In Summit County they are doing drive through vaccinations – that is what I’m talking about!

4. Anyone you know really affected by this Damn virus!
Yes, a dear friend, a couple of coworkers, a former college professor have all had it – on f my direct reportss at work had it twice and another took his own life as a result of lonliness during the quarantine. Let’s end this thin.

5. Worst thing of 2020? Best thing of 2021 so far.
2020: The Trump Virus and his ugly Q-anon supporters. 2020: This yummy breakfas danish some one brought in.

The Friday Fives

1. To the people who don’t slap the big sacks of rice at the grocery store – why don’t you slap the big sacks of rice at the grocery store?

The rice bags are there for the taking. Don’t believe me? Go to a big Asian grocery store and find the rice section. There you will find a big sack of rice. Take a few seconds to get your breath after your amazement at what you have beheld, then, just smack away. No need to look around to see if anyone is watching – they are either waiting to smack or are in a state of post slap bliss.

2. To the people that don’t give the tongs a couple of test claps before using them – why don’t you give the tongs a couple of test claps before using them?

This is the lobster game. You pull the tongs out of the utensil bin/canister/crock and snap away. It is best done while making sounds as if you are a lobster.

3. To the people that don’t give the gas nozzle an extra one or two pumps on the handle – why don’t you give the gas nozzle an extra one or two pumps on the handle?

To paraphrase Sting – every drop you pump, every fume you make . . .

4. To the people who carefully unwrap all of their presents on Christmas morning to preserve the wrapping paper – Why do you carefully unwrap all of their presents on Christmas morning to preserve the wrapping paper?

It’s all going into the bin by noon – no, you are not going to reuse it next year. Sure you tell yourself you are going to reuse it next year but let’s face facts. You have never reused it next year. That is something your grandmother did and she is dead and the tradition is over.

5. To the people who put used tea bags and coffee stirring sticks down the garbage disposal at work- why do you put used tea bags and coffee stirring sticks down the garbage disposal at work?

You have no clue how plumping works. Please, stay home and wreck havoc on your own plumbing – you are the reason we cannot have nice things.

The Friday Fives

1. If you could talk with only one person for the rest of your life, who would it be and why?
Mark Twain – he lived such a fascinating experiential life and a global traveler – which for his time was quite extraordinary.

2. What was your best job interview?
My interview at Transamerica with Dan. It wasn’t even an interview but a 90-minute conversation that ultimately turned into a discussion about the authority of American barbecue as a national food versus and an untested genre in its infancy. It was the start of a great friendship.

3. What is your favorite childhood memory?
We built these really cool Go-Karts out of pallets, cardboard, and old plastic trash cans for the chassis and then cruised down the hill from our elementary school – a great summer until the cops caught us and made us quit because we drifted into traffic.

4. If you could go back to one year in time, what year would you choose?
Wow, a rough question. Maybe somewhere at the turn of the last century – maybe at Kitty Hawk when the brothers Wright took off from the beach into the air in a power flight craft 1903.

5. How good are you at multi-tasking?
I want to say I am good but in reality and practice I am not – and neither are you. Humans think they are able to multi-task when in fact they can’t – the active mind has moved on to new things but the active mind has not nad mistakes will be made.

The Friday Fives

1. Fan’s of Queen’s Gambit – what’s your favorite thing about chess?
No easy answers – you have to plot and think ahead and it is nearly impossible to beat the computer.

2. What is the grossest thing you have ever seen at work?
We used to do these home inspections of our work from home teams at one of my jobs in the early days of working virtually. This one dude had gallon milk jugs full of urine lined up along a wall – I never asked and never did figure that one out.

3. What would your last meal be if you were on death row?
My mom’s lasagna recipe with homemade French onion soup as a starter and raspberry cheesecake for dessert.

4. If history was a TV show what would be some cliches?
A random Frenchman shouting surrender and Richard III running around looking for a horse.

5. What jobs does society actually not need?
Social Media influencers and Kardashians.

The Friday Fives

1. How do you stop cringing at your embarrassing past?
Copious amounts of gin with some diet tonic. Does the trick every time.

2. Which celebrity is an absolute 10/10 to you?
Tom Hanks with Dolly Parton as runner up.

3. What is the human race’s biggest flaw?
Greed for power.

4. What music are you listening to right now?
The Hallmark Holidays channel on SiriusXM – The Carpenters – “Merry Christmas Darling.”

5. What was the saddest celebrity death for you?
Tom Petty and generally all the celebrities who died in 2016. These have been some brutal years.

The Friday Fives

1. Today is Friday the 13th of 2020. What horrible things are happening today?
Well, the first two weeks were kind of rocky, but things seem pretty good today. Thank you, Arizona.

2. Was Friday the 13th ever the thing at any job or school classroom?
I recall at work once some team member trying to organize everyone in the office to wear all black on that day – but I don’t recall if that was successful.

3. Are you superstitious?
Not really, no. Things happen because they happen. Is karma the same as superstitious?

4. Do you have any superstitious family members or friends?
Not in my immediate friend circle, no.

5. Do you like watching horror movies?
Not at all – too much tension and schlock. I need a good British cozy crime drama or “Friends” binge to get the oogies out of my brain.

Friday Fives

1. If you think your house is haunted, what should you do?

Well, let’s see. For Christmas ghosts, you leave out the milk and cookies for the haunted present bringer ghost. The Easter ghost (who, oddly isn’t Jesus) is commemorated with eggs (?) Obviously Halloween has the Great Pumpkin but I am unsure what one is to leave for the Great Pumpkin Halloween ghost – maybe a blanket. For a general just around the house ghost, I think it would depend on who the ghost is, but a nice cocktail would surely be welcome.

2. When should you investigate a strange noise in your basement?

As I am in an apartment and the complex is next to a school and an industrial park there are always odd little noises. Not loud, not annoying – doors closing or some foot steps.

3. How do you know if an abandoned building is safe to visit?

The doors and windows are boarded up – meaning no one has crept in to squat.

4. How do you decide whether to solve a problem as a team, or split up and go it alone?

I am not the big problem solver – at least in personal life. I leave that to others. At work, I often have to take the reins and solve it.

5. Where do you store your knives and where would you look if one was missing?

On the kitchen counter in the knife block – if one is missing it is almost always in the sink or the dish drying rack.

The Friday Fives

1. What product that you loved stopped getting made?

Nabisco Heyday Bars – a wafer cookie dipped in caramel, then covered in chocolate and coated with peanuts. So yummy. They are no longer.

2. What is the last thing you wrote using pen and paper?

I did a crossword puzzle in a book on paper with a pencil just yesterday.

3. Who is that asshole dentist who does not recommend Colgate toothpaste?

Being a member of a Crest family, I have never given this much consideration but perhaps the lab folks over at Colgate ought to dive in and reevaluate their product as they have made no inroads into the dentist choice world in decades.

4. What is the best thing you’ve added or changed to make your living space more bearable during months stuck at home?

I spent about $300.00 or so on a decent office chair and it made a world of difference.

5. What did you learn because of Covid-19?

See the illustration above. With no masks there is about 70% chance of transmissio. If both parties are wearing a mask, the chance of transmission is around .05% – this is so simple to grasp.