The Friday Fives

1. What is one handy spelling tip you were taught that you still use today?

There is “A Rat” in “Separate.”

2. What’s that one thing in the grammar world you’ve never learned to do?

I have trouble understanding where to put double apostrophe’s when they follow a question mark or exclamation mark.

3. You have a gun held to your head and you have to spell a word correctly to save your life, what is one common word that would get you killed?

Weird – It’s weird you asked as I spelled this wrong about three times today.  The rule to remember – “Weird” is spelled weirdly.

4. Which English grammar rule  has helped you the most in your life?

Adding -ly makes and an adverb and adding -ing makes a verb into a gerund noun.

5. Do you recall a grammar rule you were taught in school is not in fact a grammar rule?

Ending a sentance with a preposition. A rule imposed by lazy middle school teachers who don’t trust their young learners with complex sentence structures.  In the words of recognized English language master, Sir Winston Churchill:  “This is the sort of bloody nonsense up with which I will not put.”

The Friday Fives

It has been a while since the last music playlist roulette.
From your playlist of choice (iTunes, Spotify, personal collection, or whatever) what are the first five songs that come up on shuffle.  Why is it  on your list?

  1. “I Was Drunk” Alejandro Escovedo.   This is from the “Discover Weekly Playlist Archive playlist on Spotify.  It is a great outcome from an essential app:  IFTT (If This Then This) which creates a rule and batch script that takes the traditional Spotify  Discovery Playlist and downloads each week’s 25 – 30 songs and loads them into the archive playlist.  Genius.  Lots of new music drawn from stuff you have liked and saved on Spotify.  I saw Alejandro once when they opened for The Old 97’s at the Bluebird in the early Oughts.
  2. “Long May You Run”  The Stills-Young Band.  Same list, same reasons it’s there.  Have you heard of the Neil Young Archive.  Neil has loaded up everything he has dones, albums, outtakes, live appearances and concerts and for a pretty fair, affordable fee you have access to stream – in the words of Esquire reporter Charlie Pierce – The Greatest Living Canadian.
  3.  “Stranger In A Strang Land” Leon Russell Same list.  I came late to show with Leon Russell. I was always more of a Dr. John fan – but Russell had blues piano chops in a very different vein.  He recorded and toured with Elton John once during the dusk of his career.  Good album, wish I had scene the tour.
  4. “Lonesome L.A. Cowboy” – New Riders of the Purple Sage.  An early influencer, if that is correct, of the L.A. Country Rock sound of the 1970s and Echo Valley sound.
  5. “Travelin’ Light” J. J. Cale.  You know him – just listen to some Clapton and you have heard his song.

The Friday Fives

1. The porn industry wants to start turning historical events into adult films, what are some of the titles they come up with?

The Gettysberg Undress

Enola’s Gay

Homoroe Doctrine

Water-Sports-Loo

2.It is November 4th, 2020. You wake up and turn on your TV while eating breakfast to see your face plastered all over the news. Somehow you have won the Presidential Election by majority vote. What is the first thing you do?

Impeach Reality Television

3. You have 5 minutes to live. What song do you go out to?

Tough one.   Sure there is my classic Friday afternoon leaving work song: Springsteen’s “Rosalite.”  Maybe Sid Vicious’s “My Way.” But I think u will go with Jello Biafra’s “Are You Drinking With Me, Jesus”

4. What questions should you NEVER ask at the end of a job interview?

Wanna see my cock?

Can I take the conference calls from a stall in the john?

What are your office policies on wearing pants?

5. What do you use the little pocket on your jeans for?

I have this little cool bluetooth reciever that lets you plug in decent wired headphones into and connect to you phone making any headphones bluetooth wireless.  It fits into the watch pocket perfectly.

The Friday Fives

1. What’s the weirdest place you have ever slept?

Alas, it is probably behind/under a park bench at the end of the light rail line in Stuttgart.

2. What song makes you happy whenever you hear it?

The Booty song:

3. What’s the best soft drink/soda flavor of all time?

Cragmont Cream Soda from Safeway.

4. You suddenly have a fully functional tail, what the first thing you do with it?

Train it to dust and remove any foot prints that I leave behind.

5. What is something your dad told you that you’ll never forget?

I have had lots of advice from dear old G-dub.  But seriously, something is afoot. Ghost of Gary has been in my dreams in the last few nights. And he has been angry. Last night, apparently, I allowed a big old pallet of hay that he had delivered to the driveway become infested with rats and vermin. I will try this evening to reconvene this argument because I am in no way to be taken as pro rat, despite my father’s allegations,

The Friday Fives

1. What would be the worst thing to put in a piñata?
Well, this hardly needs a debate – partially frozen wads of pooh.

2. What would be the worst “buy one get one free” sale of all time?
(See above) But seriously, perhaps this case of canned cooked ground beef.

3. What is your go-to cry song?
He Stopped Loving Her Today” by George Jones. If that one doesn’t put a tear in your eye, you sir are a Vulcan.

4. What is that song that is currently stuck in your head?
“Don’t You Hear Me Knockin'” by The Rolling Stones. It’s not even bothering me.

5. What’s your spirit vegetable?
This is an important and insightful question. After careful thought and attention to my belly – those fun exotic yellow cherry tomatoes. I can so relate. Salty and sweet, just like me.

The Friday Fives

1. When someone tells you a ‘man walks into a bar’ joke, you picture the same bar each time- what does your bar look like?

The Popular Bar on Victory Way and Barclay in Craig.  One of the great dive bars in America.

2. You walk to your street and see FBI, CDC, ARNG, CIA, APHIS, DEA, USFWS, NTSB, EPA, PETA, NOAA, FAA, ATF, FDA, MORS and NSA raiding your house. What do you do and what are your thoughts?

I do what one always does and I call Julie.  Then I call up Fidelity and quickly liquidate a whole lot of funds.  You will then recognize me as an ExPat. [I can’t fathom anything I have done that would escalate to this point but I am never in the mood to go through with any of this.]

3. You’re given $1500, but it must be used toward your hobby. What do you buy, and how does it help you progress?

Wow, that’s a lot of porn.  But seriously – I think it would go to the purchase of a very nice top o’ the line Nikon Digital SLR.

4. What’s your “once a year” thing that you can’t miss?

Watching “Die Hard” on Christmas eve.  (Or going to the Brewery Bar II for some green chili smothered relenos on MLK day. )

5. You are given unlimited money to produce a TV series adaptation of any movie/movie saga/video game/book. Which one would you choose and what would be your production decisions?

John Scalzi’s “Old Man’s War.”

The Friday Fives

1. Go to your playlist and hit shuffle, the first song that plays will describe the rest of the year 2020. What will your year be like?

“I’m Waiting For The Man” – Velvet Underground.  This was a cover of a David Bowie song that is about waiting for your dealer to show up with the drugs.  That being said when I process the term “waiting for the man” I equate that to waiting for the bus – so for the next year at least, I’ll be trucking to the light rail station on the good ol’ #21.

2. What is the LEAST annoying song to get stuck in your head?

The theme song to the old-school television show “Bonanza.”  Really, tell me that is not a bad ear worm to get stuck in your head.

3. What song would you choose to play during the end of the world?

Well, the REM song of the same name seems a bit too obvious and perhaps too upbeat. I think I’ll go with “Vader March” from “A New Hope. (Speaking of “A New Hope” can we talk about the new Star Wars movie?  I fell asleep  in the theater watching it yesterday.  Was it good? An afternoon nap mid film is not a good sign but then again I was kind of hungover.

4. If each brand had an honest slogan, what would some be?

JIF peanut butter:  “It’s peanut butter with lot’s of sugar – that’s why you like it.  (Mom’s buy it because their kids like it.  Kid’s like it because it is sandwich crack.)

5. You’re allowed to choose one movie and keep just one actor, the rest are replaced by muppets… what movie do you choose?

William Holden stays – “Sunset Blvd.”

The Friday Fives

1. You run an inconvenience store, what do you sell?

Raw unprocessed petrol that you have to refine yourself to run your cars.

2. What is the “gas station sushi” of other food?

It’s no longer there, but down in Centennial or maybe Parker on Lincoln in the back of a gas station was this most amazing Philly Cheese Steak joint run by a guy we called Crazy Jerry, and he was a savant of the sandwich world. 

3. What screams, “I’m a bad parent”?

Planning, plotting, and scheduling every aching minute of their day. No wonder they are all becoming addicted to video games – it may be the only creativity in their lives. Let them play – naturally with no rules, no refs, and no ribbons.

4. What product immediately becomes scarier when you put “military-grade” in front of it?

Military Grade Starbucks Salted Caramel Macchiato – that screams – “Turn off the pancreas boys.

5. Who is the most attractive pre-1900 person, in your opinion?

I was going to go with Alexander Hamilton, that bi-racial beauty, but then I stumbled on Andrew Jackson. Yes, he was a bit of dick and in many ways the opposite of Hamilton and racist to boot- but look at that hair!

The Friday Fives

1. What’s the most bizarre/awkward gift you’ve received in your life?

When my Grandma gave all the guys in the family underwear and couldn’t stop talking about them.

2. What is the best NSFW Christmas joke you know?

Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?

Cause she married to a guy who comes once a year.

3. If Bob Ross was secretly a hitman, what “happy little accidents” would happen to his targets?

It always comes back to those stupid electric scooters downtown.

4. You are a bartender, a guy walks into a bar and asks you for a “Donald Trump”. What do you give him?

A Soy Nog with Sambucco.

5. What’s a store that you and your parents shopped at that doesn’t exist anymore?

LaBelles down in Lakewood.  Remember LaBelles?