Category: Friday Fives

1. When someone tells you a ‘man walks into a bar’ joke, you picture the same bar each time- what does your bar look like?

The Popular Bar on Victory Way and Barclay in Craig.  One of the great dive bars in America.

2. You walk to your street and see FBI, CDC, ARNG, CIA, APHIS, DEA, USFWS, NTSB, EPA, PETA, NOAA, FAA, ATF, FDA, MORS and NSA raiding your house. What do you do and what are your thoughts?

I do what one always does and I call Julie.  Then I call up Fidelity and quickly liquidate a whole lot of funds.  You will then recognize me as an ExPat. [I can’t fathom anything I have done that would escalate to this point but I am never in the mood to go through with any of this.]

3. You’re given $1500, but it must be used toward your hobby. What do you buy, and how does it help you progress?

Wow, that’s a lot of porn.  But seriously – I think it would go to the purchase of a very nice top o’ the line Nikon Digital SLR.

4. What’s your “once a year” thing that you can’t miss?

Watching “Die Hard” on Christmas eve.  (Or going to the Brewery Bar II for some green chili smothered relenos on MLK day. )

5. You are given unlimited money to produce a TV series adaptation of any movie/movie saga/video game/book. Which one would you choose and what would be your production decisions?

John Scalzi’s “Old Man’s War.”

1. Go to your playlist and hit shuffle, the first song that plays will describe the rest of the year 2020. What will your year be like?

“I’m Waiting For The Man” – Velvet Underground.  This was a cover of a David Bowie song that is about waiting for your dealer to show up with the drugs.  That being said when I process the term “waiting for the man” I equate that to waiting for the bus – so for the next year at least, I’ll be trucking to the light rail station on the good ol’ #21.

2. What is the LEAST annoying song to get stuck in your head?

The theme song to the old-school television show “Bonanza.”  Really, tell me that is not a bad ear worm to get stuck in your head.

3. What song would you choose to play during the end of the world?

Well, the REM song of the same name seems a bit too obvious and perhaps too upbeat. I think I’ll go with “Vader March” from “A New Hope. (Speaking of “A New Hope” can we talk about the new Star Wars movie?  I fell asleep  in the theater watching it yesterday.  Was it good? An afternoon nap mid film is not a good sign but then again I was kind of hungover.

4. If each brand had an honest slogan, what would some be?

JIF peanut butter:  “It’s peanut butter with lot’s of sugar – that’s why you like it.  (Mom’s buy it because their kids like it.  Kid’s like it because it is sandwich crack.)

5. You’re allowed to choose one movie and keep just one actor, the rest are replaced by muppets… what movie do you choose?

William Holden stays – “Sunset Blvd.”

1. You run an inconvenience store, what do you sell?

Raw unprocessed petrol that you have to refine yourself to run your cars.

2. What is the “gas station sushi” of other food?

It’s no longer there, but down in Centennial or maybe Parker on Lincoln in the back of a gas station was this most amazing Philly Cheese Steak joint run by a guy we called Crazy Jerry, and he was a savant of the sandwich world. 

3. What screams, “I’m a bad parent”?

Planning, plotting, and scheduling every aching minute of their day. No wonder they are all becoming addicted to video games – it may be the only creativity in their lives. Let them play – naturally with no rules, no refs, and no ribbons.

4. What product immediately becomes scarier when you put “military-grade” in front of it?

Military Grade Starbucks Salted Caramel Macchiato – that screams – “Turn off the pancreas boys.

5. Who is the most attractive pre-1900 person, in your opinion?

I was going to go with Alexander Hamilton, that bi-racial beauty, but then I stumbled on Andrew Jackson. Yes, he was a bit of dick and in many ways the opposite of Hamilton and racist to boot- but look at that hair!

1. What’s the most bizarre/awkward gift you’ve received in your life?

When my Grandma gave all the guys in the family underwear and couldn’t stop talking about them.

2. What is the best NSFW Christmas joke you know?

Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?

Cause she married to a guy who comes once a year.

3. If Bob Ross was secretly a hitman, what “happy little accidents” would happen to his targets?

It always comes back to those stupid electric scooters downtown.

4. You are a bartender, a guy walks into a bar and asks you for a “Donald Trump”. What do you give him?

A Soy Nog with Sambucco.

5. What’s a store that you and your parents shopped at that doesn’t exist anymore?

LaBelles down in Lakewood.  Remember LaBelles?

1. Have you ever had a vacation ruined by the weather or did you just work around it?

I have had many holiday travel plans stymied by winter weather but it didnn’t ruin the vacation.  I once took a very wet, very rainy roadtrip across most of Europe while sitting in the back of  a Jeep CJ-7 with a leaky roof but I was just 23 or so years old and it was fun (it helped that the hatch back was full of German beer on ice.)

2. What small changes do you feel people could make to give the planet a fighting chance against global warming?

Give up beef and pork. The agri-industry has a terrible record of using waaaay too many resources and creating unnecessary gasses.

3. Are you adversely affect by the weather, such as SAD?

Nah. I was born and raised in a part of the country with very vicious winters that seemed to last forever and as a result it hasn’t phased me.

4. How is the weather where you are and have you seen drastic changes in it during your lifetime?

Rainy and freezing sleet today and bad, cold and wet fall so far.  I’ll be curious to see how this winter plays out.

5. Do you think we can stop global warming or is it too late?

Probably a bit too late.  Read “Eearth” by Bill McKibbbon.  His premise is the game is over and time to make plans on how to exist in the new global climate economy.

1. What crazy-ass thing did your racist uncle just say at Thanksgiving dinner?

Thankfully, Jim doesn’t allow much politics talk and he is not in the least bit of a fan of Trump – so instead of a crazy-ass uncle, we had a discussion about how Trump has develop this entire group of zealots that worship him – and it baffles Jim to the core.

2. What bonkers conspiracy theory has gained traction and drives you nuts?

See above – the belief that Trump was chosen by God to lead the Republicans into eternity.  I am not making this up.  Go over to Right Wing Watch and follow the crazy as they cast a spotlight on the wackadoodle things that Far Right Wing conspiracy driven preachers are spouting on radio/TV and podcasts.

3. What scientific experiment would you run if money and ethics weren’t an issue?

A machine/process to gather all the plastic from the oceans and the landfills and grind them up for fuel and to make building blocks to create affordable housing.  Some of this of course is happening on small scale but if lots of money were in hand this thing could be scaled up to a global level.

4. What’s something everyone loves that you secretly find overrated?

Game of Thrones.  Sorry kids, I tried and tried and tried to watch that show but it just never took.

5. What is the kindest thing a pet has done for you?

Playing to the chorus hear as most of the folks that read this are huge animal lovers.  I think the comfort Julie’s dog and mom’s dog gave while my dad was in hospice care – they had a unique sense of what was going on and were just to be helpful.

1. Oil is found in the moon. What happens next?

Let the space wars begin! It would be China, Europe & the US in a bitter three way. Thankfully though, the moon us made of cheese.

2. A fuel-driven economy is no longer necessary – what would be the first thing to change in such a world where fuel concerns no longer matter?

Goodbye to all that money going to Israel and the middle east. And perhaps a gleaning of world peace.

3. If researchers revealed that it was too late to stop climate change and that we “should’ve turned the car off 20 years ago.”, what would be your reaction?

I ride a train, and I save water. I fill up gas about every 6 weeks. I’d probably be okay with no cars.

4. Crayola is launching a new brand of adult crayons, what are the new names for colors?

Penis Purple. Acne rose, Vomit.

5. What did you do today that would make Mr. Rogers proud?

Smiled and said hello to my bus riding neighbor.

1. What’s that thing you do that you just hate?

I think maybe hypnotherapy is the only solution. I am a nose picker, and I catch myself, and I have no clue I am doing it. It is a nervous tick after all these years and the root of almost everything that is wrong with me. If I can conquer this, I will conquer the world.

2. What’s that thing they do that you just adore?

Those weirdly fascinating Trump adorers who have never inclined to connect the dots between the things he says visa vie the things he does. (We are all doomed!)

3. When was the last time you were at the bottom of the well of sadness? 

When my mother was deathly sick about 8 or 9 years ago, and I had just met with the death counseling doctor/pastor who works at the Anschutz Medical Center. Driving home down I 25 with tears streaming down my face as I was shouting out loud – “No, I can’t lose you too, it is too early for you to go!” (spoiler – June lived, and I spent the weekend with her, and she has some much energy and love of life she is frankly exhausting for a 78-year-old.)

4. What was it that made you the happiest you have ever been? 

Maybe getting my green bike from the Gambles store with the sissy bar on the back and big handles upfront. I loved that thing. I think I left it behind a car – it got rolled over backing out in a prescient recreation of a Brady Bunch episode.

5. You get to recreate the memory of an event in the past – which one needs the big edit button?

The day Gary Nall got the cancer – yep, that’s the one.

1. Do you like, dislike, or pay no attention to the wind?
I come from a very windy part of the country – northwest colorado, south-central Wyoming. And there is really wind there – always, all the time to the point where you can’t not pay attention to it. As a result on a nice, calm day in Denver with no wind or only a very slight breeze, I take a second to notice it and pay it heed and appreciate the stillness.

2. Do you have allergies or sinus made worse by the wind?
The wind kicks up the pollen which activates the allergies for me – yes. Thus my addiction to Flonase.

3. Have you ever been caught in a big wind (not a hurricane or tornado)?
See above. 30 and 40 mile per hour winds at my mom’s ranch outside Baggs, Wyo was not uncommon.

4. When was the last time you flew a kite?
About four years ago. Before that maybe seven years ago when I flew them quite frequently in a vacant field across the street from my apartment.

5. Would you like to have the power of flight?