1. Those who were in a gang, what’s the most f-ed up thing you’ve seen?
While a member of the “He-Man Woman Hater Gang, Buckwheat showed up at the clubhouse wearing full drag. None of us were ready for that.
2. What was it that put you in solitary while in lock up?
I started saying a lot of really mean things about Stephen Miller.
3. Why did you deserve that beat down?
I kept insisting on removing the canned green peas from my bowl of Grandma’s beef stew.
4. What happened that forced you to flee the country?
I was caught cheating while playing the all-in game of Risk.
5. You can tell me, I won’t share – how did you embezzle that vast fortune, and where is the money now?
I amassed my vast fortune by taking out tiny ads in the back of newspapers and magazines and flipping all that dough in a collection of rare coffee mugs.
1) This one time White Dog our sergeant at arms picked a kid up by their dick, like luggage.
2) I stole extra servings of the Mac & cheese from the cafeteria.
3) I was aggressively jerking it to another gang members special lady friend.
4) I crapped my pants at a major awards ceremony where I was presenting an award.
5) I hired a smart kid to write a program that rounded up all the fractions of cents from financial institutions transactions. But he screwed up and misplaced a decimal and it worked too well. That money is now hidden in a series of bounce house / trampoline parks across the Midwest.
Those who were in a gang, what’s the most f-ed up thing you’ve seen?
We make little Steven do the dishes. You know little Steven, right? Dude is like 6’4” , like 400lbs. Can’t use his last name, for obvious reasons. Anyway, he is a hang-around. So, he cooks and cleans for us. When he is cleaning, he has to be bottomless. No shorts, pants, undies. Don’t worry about why. But where is where it gets weird. When he does the dishes, he insists on securing a large orange between his butt cheeks. It’s gross. No one has figured out how he even keeps it there, and we are all afraid to ask.
What was it that put you in solitary while in lock up?
Lemme just say if I had done that on the outside, I would have received the death penalty. Lemme just say I’ve done it a lot. Lemme just say that you should pray I never do it to your kids. Lemme just say it’s like a creative writing exercise. with a lotta blood.
Why did you deserve that beat down?
How about fuck you? How about self defense? You want me to take that shit? Nah. That ain’t how I roll. How about maybe I didn’t deserve that at all? You can come beat me up all you want. You are still getting an orange up the ass. Next time, though… you’ll be in the morgue. So, don’t sweat it, I guess. Prag!
What happened that forced you to flee the country?
It’s kinda funny, really. Well… I think it’s funny. I think it’s hilarious. See, here is what happened. Are we talking about the Yemen thing? Or that whole Guatemala US Marshalls thing?
redacted
You can tell me, I won’t share – how did you embezzle that vast fortune and where is the money now?
The money was there the whole time. It is still there. Ever seen ‘Inside Man’ with Denzel? Kinda like that. We didn’t take any of the good loot out. We tore that shit up and transferred the cash and jewelry into a safe deposit box I opened 25 years ago with my sister. As we speak (thanks for moving our time table up, editor) my sister is going into the bank – 3 years after the robbery that you are thinking off – and discreetly removing more money and assets than you have seen in your life. She gets 20% of the take, and I get out in 3 months.