1. What situation isn’t improved by pizza?
Presidential inaugurations – you want to, instead, use food that is easier to throw. I suggest a rotten tomato or if you are feeling fancy, a tomatillo.
2. If you had a permanent orange tan and unwieldly hair, how would you rule the world?
I would firstly move to an exotic pacific island in order to ensure I can keep the tan. And I would first dictate that we invent a Star Trek transporter so that as ruler, I can pop into any trouble spot in the world and order around others to fix it up – and I would need many many minions, a whole brigade of “yes” men to massage my ego constantly.
3. If someone were to take over your body in this very instant, what would you need to brief them on?
Be careful with those feet, they are kind of clumsy and sorry about the diabetes, but you won’t be eating any pie.
4. In a world where guns and knives no longer exist, what is the best way to defend you home and yourself?
A mote, filled with slinky toys and grape koolaid – the theory being that it is delicious and fun and will distract any invaders.
5. You wake up replaced as a cartoon character – who/what takes your place?
I want it to be someone brave and amazing, like Steve Canyon, but I am afraid it may be Ziggy.
1. Explosive diarrhea.
2. Recess twice a day and tacos every Tuesday.
3. Objects are closer than they appear in the mirror.
4. A 2 x 4 with nails pounded into it. If it’s good enough for the IRA, then it’ll be fine for me.
5. Marmaduke. Imagine me replaced by a Great Dane.
1) Raging heart burn.
2) I would rule with random enforcement, and the punishment for being caught breaking any law would be death.
3) Don’t under any circumstances try the lobster, or any other shellfish.
4) a large war hammer
5) Wreck it Ralph.