Category: Friday Fives

1. Early childhood discipline. Were you swatted? Grounded? Left on a desert island to contemplate your sins?
I can remember getting swatted on perhaps three occassions, but I also remember the threat of a spanking always on the horizon. Mom was best at the guilt and at grounding. Dad was generally a push over and really had a hard time raising a hand against his kids. But he was creative in doling out punishment. I remember once when I was in my mid teens and full of myself and kept putting off mowing the lawn. Dad arranged with the neighbors to have me mown his lawn and the neighbors. I never forgot that.

2. As a child, when was the first time you remember experiencing Them Cold Hard Facts of Life (real disappointment and realization that bad things can happen). (With apologies to Whisperin’ Bill Anderson.)
I was five when Grandpa Nall died. And there were lots of funeral’s as a child but they never really sunk in. I think the first real sadness came later on, around 10 or so and my grandmother was sick and you could just sense the whole house on pins and needles and people kept returning from intensive care and they would be talking and stop abruptly any time I came in the room, triggering a danger sense that there was something wrong. (ultimately, all was well, grandma recovered from her heart attack and lived a marvelous 96 or so years.

3. At bed time, do you need a bed time story or do you fall fast asleep? Any routines that must happen before the slumber?
I usually curl up with a book but am generally asleep quickly – the book is just a pretense. I can usually be in deep REM sleep in about 20 minutes. It is frightening.

4. How old were you when you learned to ride a bike?
Summer between Kindergarten and First Grade. The neighbor Jay was already on wheels and I had to hustle to catch up.

5. As a teen learning to drive, any driving related altercations that you never told your parents about?
I.Can’t.Drive!
Seriously, I was 15 on a learners permit and snuck the car out drive around the block and had a minor, unreporter fender bender in the parking lot of the 7-11. No harm, no fowl.

1. If you needed to get ahold of The “A” Team to handle a personal crisis for you, would you know where to turn?
I think I could assemble my own “A” team of crack experts for various fields of interest: Ed, of course, for general boozing and related emergencies. Tory if I need to blow something up. Adam if I need to bring in a cleaner to make it go away. Mark would be our scientific potions expert. Julie, of course for the enevitable killins. Lono for long term plotting and Reid for a general all-purpose Bezerker.
2. Hunter Thompson is dead. In his spirit, what is the Gonzo-ist road trip you have ever taken?
My long winding drunken trip across Europe in a Jeep CJ-7. We crafted an ice container using the entire hatch back area, filled it with ice and German lager and drove from Stuttgart to London. We stopped at Verdun to see the battlefield, got lost in Luxemborg, ate an amazing asparagus omellette at an autobahn diner (the French equivalent of a Stuckies) and took a ferry trip across the channel, drinking beer dispensed from the vending machine as the locals smoked weed on deck looking at the White Cliffs of Dover. That, my friends, was good time.
3. We were taken out to dinner on the company dime last night to a nice, swank steakhouse. What is the best meal you have ever eaten that you didn’t have to pay for?
In my newspaper days, as a starving writer, I would get a few meals sent my way. I remember an amazing steak dinner with Pat Grant of the National Western Stock show. It was some old, old cowboy restaurant down in the stock show area but I can’t remember exactly where. But that was one excellent piece of steak.
4. Botox? Collagen? Plastic surgery nip and tuck? Hair club for men? How far will you go to preserve your youth?
I think any folks who have seen me know that I am just letting the old AARP flag fly proudly. Wrinkles, grey hair, warts and all. I am trying to eat better and exercise more so I am not all crippled up when I get old, but otherwise, what you see is what you get.
5. Ever tracked your biorhythms? Are you having a good day or a bad day? Any other crap like this you might hold onto from time to time?
According to this scale, I am having a low emotional day, however, I feel great – so I guess I am not putting a lot of faith in this bunk. I want to believe in something as simple as Biorhytms and Astrology as a way to explain this great world of ours – but let’s face it. Life is pretty deliberate when humans intervene and pretty random when Nature responds.

1. What is your favorite kitchen appliance? If if broke, could you replace it?
For me, it is either the coffee roaster, an absolute extravagance that has changed my life. Coming a close second is the microwave. What a technological thing of beauty that thing is.

2. Did your grandmother have a nickname for you? What was it? How did you earn it.
Nope. No nicknames. We weren’t a real nicknamey family.

3. What was the last big thing you broke? How did you end up fixing it.
A heart? Just kidding. hmmm. Let’s see, probably my sister” Rubbermaid cake holder. It was the unfortunate victim of a tiny, tiny, pittance of a kitchen fire – a fire whose smoke damaged scars still remain – I replaced the cake holder, I haven’t repainted the smoke stained wall.

4. If you had your own spaceship, what would you name it and why? What would it be like?
“To Infinity – And Beyond!” In David Foster Wallace’s essay “Getting Away from Already Pretty Much Away From It All,” DFW nicknames the 7 day, 7 night cruise ship he is staying on the “SS Nadir.” That has always rung whitty with me. My starship may have the same name, because if we find ourselves in space, with me at the helm of a starship, we are all doomed.

5. March is nearly here! (Thank you, Jesus.) We survived February. (Thank you, Cutty Sark.) Do you have any Spring seasonal change traditions that you observe?
A big, drunken Easter blow out has been a solid 15 year tradition. In my home town of Craig, the segue into Spring is celebrated by the Kiwanis club in their annual show featuring tons and tons of booze, pillars of the community in drag doing modern day burlesque and some bad, bad lip synching. It would kill me to find such an adventure here in Denver.

1. If you could freeze time at the very second in your past that you wanted to LAST forever, holding that moment for eternity, what would that moment be?
The feeling in college when the first issue of the newspaper I edited came off the press. That was a pretty good feeling.

2. Have you ever finished in LAST place, whether during a race, a contest, a competition, an exam, or something else?
Not last especially, but very close. In the Army, a group of us decided to run a 10K race. And one of the guys with us was huge, huge guy, terribly out of shape. We ran the race with him and came in very close to the end. Some folks walking the race beat us.

3. Who’s the LAST person you talked with on the phone? E-mailed? Received an e-mail from? Hugged? Went out to lunch with? Thought about? Made something for? Made plans with? IM-ed?
Phone: Michelle; Emailed: Kevin; Received and email from: RABnurse (Sage): Hugged: Michelle; Lunch: (Does a late breakfast count?) Michelle; Thought about?: Mom; Made something for: my team at work; Made plans with: Michelle (Sedaris); IM-ed: Haven’t IM-ed in months.

4. When’s the LAST time that you did something nice just for yourself? What was it?
I am not married or with children so really, just about everything I do I do for myself (how selfish). Any time I go out for steak or sushi that is “something nice for myself.”

5. What do you think you’ll be doing on the LAST day of this month (February 28)? If you could choose a month and have it LAST forever (in other words, it would be July all the time from now on), which month would you choose and why?
Last day of the month? Working and getting two or three new employees settled in. Favorite month? October. I love a late crisp autumn.

1. How do you calm yourself down after something freaks you right out? Hot baths? Warm milk? Pacing and swearing?
For the encroauching kind of creepy stress it takes a good long, boiling hot shower to calm me back down. For the quick, sudden freak out – like a car accident or seeing dead people (my life if complicated.), a swig of scotch and the chance to just sit and stare – like

2. What’s the best free thing you have ever scored?
My coffee table and end tables are all donations and quite cool – from different donors yet still matching. I still haven’t gotten a free ticket to Springsteen but along lines of good free tickets I think the best score was the chance to see Lou Reed at a small dive bar in Stuttgart.

3. Are you a collector? What do you collect?
I am a packrat but not really a collector. I have a few first editions and older editions of books and I think I would love to have the kind of dough to really be a bibliophile. As a boy I had a great stamp collection, started by my father, a postman. The collection is still around but it hasn’t been added to in recent years.I also have a small odd collection of old cameras that I have found at thrift stores and yard sales.

4. Ever gone dumpster diving?
No, not really. Although I do have a bookcase in my bathroom that was left next to our dumptster. But I think I am gonna chuck it this weekend. So since it is going back from whence it came, perhaps it doesn’t count.

5. What would be the.worst.Valentine’s.day.present.ever.
A real heart, still pumping, taken from a living body. (Sorry Julie, I beat you to that one.

1. How would you describe the style of furniture in your home right now? Mishmash. A few old swivel rockers that have seen better days and a comfy cheap couch that the cat has scratched up. But it naps just right.

2. Do you have a piece of your childhood bedroom furniture in your home?No. What an interesting question. I have very little left of my childhood room. Toys, furniture, even the room itself are gone.

3. What’s the oldest piece of furniture that you own?I have a few lamps and a table that my grandfather made when my mother was very young. That is probably my oldest furniture.

4. Have you ever tried making a piece of furniture by hand? What about refinishing?I made a nice computer desk and printer stand from scratch once with my father. It was a fun project and although it wasn’t perfect, the mahoganny finish turned out very nice and I was proud of it. It is gone now. It didn’t make the cut in a move years ago.

5. If we looked right now, what would we most likely find on your living room coffee table? What about on the nightstand in your bedroom?Magazines, books. A few napkins. A few Netflix DVD envelopes. Three remote controls. It’s glass table top smudged from the dog’s habit of sitting on top of it.

1. Attacked by Locusts. Do you apply a suave, a balm or a poultice. Explain.
I am generally a balm man, although I sometimes prefer the grit and texture of a poultice (!) What the hell is this question about?

2. We have discussed what you would take to a desert island. But now for where. Where is your “desert island” that you retreat to in your imaginary world.
It can take an unfortunate event to make you learn and rediscover some unknown jewels. I want my desert island to be somewhere around the Thailand resort world of Phuket. Do a Google image search on this place. It truly is paradise.

3. Have you ever been a “Storm Chaser” and been an active participant in some really severe weather?
I lived my most of my life (the first 30 years.) on the Western Slope of Colorado, full of blizzards and wicked cold winters. And I do enjoy intense, ball busting cold. But the topography of my homeland doesn’t really allow tornadoes and I love tornadoes a lot. I would love to be a storm chaser and follow a big twister and thunderstorm across the heartland. But, as my grandmother said, I have no common sense.

4. Phillip Johnson died and got me thinking about my childhood dream of being an architect. What career path do you wish you had taken whenyou had the chance.
Well, besides the architect thing, as a boy I wanted to be either and astronaut (when I was young we were still dropping men onto the moon and the whole space thing captivated our generation.) or a helicopter pilot.

5. Homer Simpson poses the question: “If you could make a better beer, what kind of a beer would you make?I think I would go with a nice, dark Scottish Ale. I made some homebrew Scottish Ale once that was totally amazing, but since it was my first or second attempt at home brewing, I don’t think I could duplicate it. I took no notes and paid no attention to the thing so I would be starting from scratch. But, to answer the question, I would brew a re-creation – a tribute if you will, of that beer.

Today’s questions are all taken from Blogger’s random question section of the user profile. Thank you, Blogger.

1. All of the phone numbers have fallen out of your address book. Whose number do you look for first and why?
I hate memorizing phone numbers and as a result I barely know anyones. I guess the first number I need is my mother’s. She recently moved and I have to look up her number every time. The next number would be either Julz or Sage to get everybody else’s. Anything else I can look up at work using Black Book

2. Your bow is not broken but you’ve run out of arrows. How can you fake being a bard?
How very Plutarch meets Shakespeare! Okay, the way to be the bard when the quiver runs dry is to always rely on strong verbs and complex noun specific phrases and shy away from adverbs whenever possible. Oh, yeah, be sure and talk about love a lot.

3. What would you name your ballet inspired by the sight of children leaping through a garden sprinkler?
Dance of stubbed toe fairy. Everytime I played the run-through-the-hose-and-sprinklers game as a child, I tended to injure myself, usually by cutting my foot or stubbing my toe on the sprinkler.

4. The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig:
Onapoatima – there was a bald frog with a tremendously bad wig. The village quietly referred to the frog as Wilma. Each day, Wilma would place the wig upon her head do a little dance for the village in order take food home to her family. Then the President came to down and stepped on the frog and she died. The end.

5. Please describe how you could take the peel off an apple all in one go:
I think it is best to run the apple under some warm water to loosen the skin, then using a paring knife begin a spirally peel from the top down. Having said that, I have never tried it, so just go ahead and knock yourself out. Who the hell peels apples these days anyway? What’s the deal, you got a mouth full of dentures of something?

1. As “movie award season” approaches, do you watch any awards shows? Which part of the shows do you enjoy the most: the “red carpet” part
or the actual awards show?
I dig them awards soirees. They are best watched in a group with a lot of booze. I used to like all the red carpet stuff, but now I think the time is right for Joan Rivers to retire.

2. Do you consider yourself a “movie insider”? Any guesses as to who will win the Academy Awards this year? Any personalfavorites?
I say that as long as Bill Murray is making movies, he should will all the Oscars. Honetly, I haven’t been paying any attention this year. I am sullen at the lack of hockey and it is effecting everything else I do. Let’s just say I am a cultural recluse and not really participating in society this year.

3. “Lord of the Rings – The Return of the King” is up for 11 Academy Awards. What do you think about that? (Eleven Oscars also went to “Titanic” and “Ben Hur” – did you see those movies?) Have you seen all of the Best Picture-nominated films?
I have hardly seen any of them – well except for “Lord of the Rings.” I am so far behind on movie watching. I hate spending $20.00 just to sit in a theater and watch a film. And I hate going to movies alone. My life, apparently is very complicated.

4. Which actor/actress, in your opinion, should have earned an Oscar but so far hasn’t? Is there an actor/actress who *has* received an Oscar but you feel shouldn’t have gotten it or wasn’t deserving?
Mira Sorvino didn’t deserve and Oscar. And neither did Joe Pesci. Come on people, these folks can’t act. I also have a hard time with Tom Hanks winning for “Forrest Gump,” as it seemed trite and gimmicky. Although his performance in Philadelphia was totally justified. I said a before that Don Cheadle deserves an Oscar, but I think next year, that will be a reality.

5. If you could create your own movie award and give it to someone, who would it be and in what category?
This is a tough question. I am a fan of the raspberry awards given to the worst of the movie industry each year. Along those lines, I suggest an award for best on screen death and the award goes to David Carradine in “Kill Bill II.”

1. Do you have a top five list of the actors that you would love to see die in a movie? (via Kevin via ESPN.)
Kevin Costner
Sandra Bernhard
Farrah Fawcett(teenage yearning years notwithstanding.
David Caruso
Steven Seagal
Honorable mention: Morgan Fairchild, most soap opera actors and Tom Arnold.

2. “How much money would it take for you to kill a puppy with your bare hands?” (via Monkeyfilter)
What the F**K! I “heart” puppies. I heart kittens and puppies. There is not enough dough in the world that would enable me to get past the sick feeling I would feel after deliberately killing puppies. There was an episode of Little House On The Prairie that I remember as a kid. On the episode, some mean old man tossed a burlap sack full of puppies into a pond to kill them so that his kids wouldn’t have pets. To this day I think of that tear jerking episode and my heart melts when I see stranded or unwanted puppies.

3. If you collected posters to hang on your wall, and all of the posters had a similar theme, what would that theme be? Swimsuit models? Famous athletes? Great movies? (via Monkeyfilter)
I guess the obvious and expected answer would be Springsteen, baby! Nothing but walls and walls of Bruce Springsteen and E Street Band posters. Well, either that or puppies. I must rededicate my life to embracing the warmth and charm of puppies after the pitty shower that the last question forced upon me. I feel dirty.

4. What is the “coolest tool” or tip you use that makes your life so much better that you need to shout it to the hills in order for everyone to know about?(via Kevin Kelly (Wired Magazine founder) and Cool Tools)
Roasting your own coffee. Roasting my own coffee and then enjoying a well crafted cup of the best coffee on Earth is my greatest tip to any and all. Get on board and see what a real cup is supposed to taste like. Starbucks can kiss my ass.

5. Have you ever run for public office? (student council, local stuff?) Will you in the future? What would your platform be?
I don’t think I will ever run for public office. But if I did, I think I would run on a platform of love. Love and honesty. Really, folks. Can’t we all just get along? It would be a huge hippie-rific love generation platform of putting aside petty differences on all fronts and taking mandatory time to just stop and love. Stop, love and hug a puppy. Either that or mandatory jail for minor traffic violations. It should be a capital offense to put make up on while driving an SUV at high speed on the interstate. If I catch that lady that was in front of me this morning, she is off to jail when I take office!