Friday Fives

1. It has been a tedious week. What is your best advice to overcome self pity.
I will generally begin by making fun of you. Nothing makes me feel better, when I am down and out, than to make you cry. I am not a nice person.

2. What is your favorite Trivial Pursuit category (real or imagined.)
Real – Arts and Leisure. Imagined – Inside Roy’s head.

3. Would you rather turn into Sammy Davis, Jr. when masturbating – or-
have the AOL “You’ve got mail” guy announce your ejaculations?

If it means being a part of the rat pack for a couple of times each day, bring on Sammy. (there is a great joke, within the joke there. See if you can find it.)


4. What do you remember about your first day of school?

I remember smiling and of course napping. This question brings back two memories, that of the first day of kindergarten – I am quite certain my fav memory from that day is the discovery of the cute little storage bins for hats, coats and fun little kindergarten gluey things. The second memory that this question triggers is the first day of first grade – and my fascination with the desk and the school supplies we were told to bring with us.

5. When was the last time you sat on a park bench? Describe the event.
I went to the museum on Monday, only to discover that the museum was closed on Mondays. While traveling back to the light rail, I walked through Civic Center park, which had many park benches. However there were also a lot of drug dealers and crack heads, so I made haste in my dash and passed up the chance to sit on a park bench and complain about my sciatica.

Friday Fives

1. Your people want to make a statue in your honor. What will it be made out of and what victory will it commemorate?
A statue, made of rasperries and vanilla vodka (I think I envision a fountain.) Commemorating the successful completion of my laundry.

2. If you were a wrestler, what would be your finishing move?
I was always fascinated as a kid, watching very early renditions of the current wrestling fad. It was broadcast on Channel 2, usually on Saturday afternoon. And the Gagne brothers had this move called a “Flying fore arm head smash, off the third rope.” I think I would bring back that magic.

3. Would You Rather… be machine-gunned to death with Lite-Brite pegs -or- be assasinated by Cabbage Patch Dolls?
Both premises are so fateful – glow in the dark bullet holes or a store bought toy ravaging revenge, as if the very world of commerce had taken to violence. I always enjoyed the Lite-Brite as a child. I think I will go with that route.

4. What is the phrase least likely to be uttered by you?
“Well, that’s about it, the house is clean from top to bottom.”

5. Friday Fill-In: How much time has passed since you last _____?
Balanced a checkbook. With the debit card and telephone banking, I never really take the time to reconcile my checking account. I think the last time was back in my unemployment in 2003 – money was tighter back then.

Friday Fives

Random bag of questions:

1. Do you look at yourself carefully in the mirror before you leave for the day?
I try. True story, Monday, while leaving for work, I gaze in the rear view mirror of my car and realized that I left the house without combing my hair. Generally this would be considered poor form, but at work, I got compliments on my new hair cut. Go figure.

2. How has luck/chance/facts-of-life/God/karma/nature treated you so far?
I am generally lucky and things generally fall my way.


3. Would you rather: Be mechanically induced to scream at the top of
your lungs for an hour – or – have your eyes glued shut for a day?

A good scream could be cathartic. I don’t think I could take blind. What kind of machine is this? Who would make a scream inducing machine? That is an odd bit of inspiration. Suddently you are in the workshop, crafting away to build a machine to physically exert a scream – would such a machine hurt? Is it a painful scream or a happy scream?


4. If you were a superhero, what would be your kryptonite?

What is the opposite of raspberries?

5. Is there an animal you would never have as a pet?
A snake. I have said it before and I stand by it. Snakes aren’t pets, they are soup.

Friday Fives

1. Are you afraid of hospitals. Why, or why not?
I am not. However, I have never stayed in one. My experience with hospitals is emergency rooms, usally related to some silly, clumsy adventure, or as a vistor.

2. When was the last time you were in the hospital for yourself?

It has been a few years. I ran into a post in a hallway at work and bonked my head and was sent to the ER to check for a concusion. This was about 8 years ago.

3. Do you consider yourself healthy overall?

Not really. I have had a nasty sinus cold all season this year and am battling blood pressure, cholesterol and other maldies associated with overweight and sedentary lifestyles.

4. Would you rather live underground by a cemetary OR live on the 20th floor of a building without elevators?
Cemetaries fascinate me. So much history. Since I am not a believer in ghosts, the undead or the afterlife, it would be no big deal. The 20th floor? All those stairs. Didn’t you just read above? I am sedentary.

5. How do you feel about universal health care, knowing that 50% of all
bankruptcies come from medical bills?

I like the concept, but the rub is in the details, as with everything else. If it can be a super successful government program like Social Security or the Postal Service, bring it on. But if it is like the TSA or Homeland Security, I think I will keep good old Aetna.

Friday Fives

1. What is your earliest memory of snow? ,
I grew up in snow land. Craig is the birthplace of snow, the veritable headwater of frozen tundra. I think one of the very earliest was a sledding out at a special sledding hill in town, called Cathy Cesar hill.

2. Big storms like this… curse, or joy?
Today, joy. Last night, curse. I stayed in a hotel with a work crew and it was a lot of work accounting for everybody. But the short drive in from the hotel made the morning a joy. .

3. Favorite snow memory, worst snow memory
I love the snow and snowy days. Best memory was a Boy Scout winter camping trip when we dug snow caves and slept in them. Worst snow memory – driving from Gunnison to Grand Junction to see grandma and durable Le Mans nearly wrecked off the side of a mountain pass after hitting a patch of black ice. I spun end o

4. Would you rather fight Mike Tyson OR talk like him?
I go with talkin’. The champ has a very massive right punch and can still do some clobberin’. Did you see on the news that the idiot got popped for DUI and cocaine possession? He is now in the Tyrone Braxton club – an organization whose ranks seem to be growing.

5. well, it looks like you aren’t going anywhere for the next few days… what is your plan? Do you have any blizzard rituals?
Snow day rituals? Mostly a total veg fest in front of the tube and usually cooking something, stew, green chili or soup.

Friday Fives

1 Egg nog or snogging under the mistletoe
Well, I am a loner, and a boozer. Bring on the nog. If all goes well, I can have the snogging as well. hic.
2. What songs (other than Christmas themed songs) make you think of Christmas or the holidays?
U2s “I Still Haven’t Found What I Am Looking For” and Journey’s “Open Arms.”
3. Would You Rather… fight to the death The Rock -or- fifteen clones of Barbara Bush?
Hmm. The Rock kicks ass. I am not familiar with his athleticism as practiced in his “Professional Wrestling” career. But I am a fan of his movies where he generally kicks butt. Knowing that I think Babs is the bet. She is a bit shrill but I think at 80+ years old even 15 of her would be easy to know down.
4. Any favorite Christmas memories to share? What was the best Christmas you ever had?
There have been many, but I remember a very bad blizzard one Christmas and we were slated to drive to Rifle for the Holiday at Grandmas and instead we turned around and came back and had Christmas dinner, prepared from wonderful items from the Circle K. I loved the comraderie and spirit of our family on that day.
5. And to be fair – any Christmas disasters? What was the worst Christmas you ever had?
I suppose the year my grandfather died on Christmas eve or a day or two before. However I was just barely 5 and hardly remember any of it. I don’t get to caught up in Christmas, so there aren’t many disasters I can recall. I tend to go with the flow.

Friday Fives

1. Would you give up half of what you now own for a piill that would permanently change you so that one hour of sleep each day would fully refresh you?
Nah, I don’t think so. I am not that driven that I have to have extra hours each day. I like sleeping, I love my bed.

2. What is your preferred method of getting the news?
Web sites and the radio. And Channel 2 Morning news, because Tom Green is the most entertaining anchorman in Denver.

3. Would you rather . . . utter all exclamations during sex in sign language or in the form of a question as if on Jeopardy?
Well, you know my love of a good punch line – so Jeopardy it is.

4. After winning it big in Las Vegas, what do you do first?
An ultra expensive meal and the proverbial hookers and blow. I think for a weekend at least, I would live life like a rap video.

5. In case of a sudden emergency in the middle of the night – who do you call.
This is advice we all can use. In case of emergency, always call Julie. She automatically reverts to a triage mode and it is reassuring someone can keep their head about them.

Friday Fives

1. If you could, would you be a movie star or a rock star? Which one, and why?
Rock Stars get more nookie, but in the end I am lazy and Movie Stars don’t have to work very hard. A few lines in a movie then spend the rest of the time just looking pretty. Not a bad life.
2. Do you know anyone who’s been on a reality TV show?
No, I can’t say I have. That is a lame answer to a lame question. Let’s imagine a new reality TV show based on me. Would viewers tune in to watch me watch porn and pick my nose?
3.Would You Rather…be trapped in a cage with a lion? -or- eat peanut butter off a hobo’s foot?
I am reading John Hodgeman’s book and he is obsessed with hobos. With that in mind, I go with hobo.
4. Have you ever met anyone famous?
I have met several. I guess the most famous would either be Bob Dole or Colin Powell. Oh, wait, I met Al Franken once too. He was real grouchy. James MacArthur (Book’em, Dano) came through my check out line at Safeway in Gunnison. He lives in Crested Butte. Hunter Thompson was in the Wooden Nickel in Crested Butte once when I was there but there is an unwritten rule in remote moountain ski towns not to bother the celebs who are there.
5. Who would play you in a movie?
Well, I would first go with a younger Bill Murray, but now, in my ealy 40s, I need someone else . . . Darrel Hammond, maybe?

Friday Fives

1.What was your latest complaint?
Bad drivers in a snow storm who can’t control their cars. Grrrrrrrr. It is snow. It is ice. The conditions change. Don’t drive like it is a sunny July afternoon!!

2. What was your latest compliment?
My boss told some peers that I was very, very good at giving effective performance feedback to challenged employees.

3. Would you rather . . . have skin that starts to melt when exposed to temperatures above 45 degrees – or – have your hands contantly moving as if playing speed chess?
I go with happy, fast hands. Imagine the ability to get the stuff done super quickly. I could knock out a major salad in minutes.

4. Who was the bully on your playground?
I don’t recall in elementary days, but in middle school, our town was going through a major construction boom at the mine and the steam plant. As a result there were lots of new kids, it seemed like every week. And invariably one of those new kids was always trying to be the school yard bully and challenging kids to fights after school. As I recall, the cowboy types always seemed to win in the end.

5. Is the job you have now anything like what you imagined as a kid?
Not at all. I manage an inbound call center As a child I was going to be Rob Petri, from the Dick Van Dyke Show, and become a professional television comedy writer. Oh how I have disappointed.

Friday Fives

1. If you had to move 100 miles or more to the north, east, west, or south, which would you choose, where would you end up, and what’s so great about there?
Just one hundred miles? That is a tough one. Maybe Leadville? 2. Do you have a favorite stretch of highway or byway for driving, touring, or wandering?
The back road into Crested Butte, through Carbondale. It is movie set beautiful.

3. How do you feel about birthdays and birthday celebrations?

I loves me a birthday-palooza. Mine fallls on a holiday weekend and i have been known to make the affair last days and days.

4. Would You Rather…only be able to take pictures of your babies by scanning them in a computer – or – have to imbibe all liquids using a thimble?
I have no kids to blind, so I guess it is bring on the thimble.

5. What kind of card puts you in the holiday spirit when you receive it? Is there any kind that can make that spirit fizzle?
I am not a fan of the family photo as card – and I don’t know why. More work goes into that than a standard printed card – but whenever I get one, I just tend to sigh and move on and not give it much though. I am a dick.