The Friday Fives

Today’s post suggested by Lono: (
“Using humor and the style from please answer these questions with no more than a paragraph-long response for each. (You can edit the source to anything you want for the Chatbot to use as its basis). Questions are from this blog one year ago.

Pretty genius, actually.

1. If you had the power to shut down a company for good, which company would it be?

Oh, shutting down a company? That’s a tough one. Maybe I’d go with a company that makes square watermelons—because fruit should not be confined by geometry! Let watermelons be their irregular, wobbly selves.

2. If you could ban one song from the airwaves, what would it be?

Banning a song? Easy peasy. “Baby Shark.” If I hear that tune one more time, I might join a synchronized swimming team of sharks to escape it.

3. If you could cancel one television show or moment from the airwaves, what would it be?

Cancel a TV show or moment? How about we erase that time when everyone thought it was a good idea to bring back the mullet? Business in the front, party in the back? More like, “No thanks, I’ll pass.”

4. What movie should just not exist?A movie that should vanish into thin air?

“Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.” Seriously, who greenlit that? I don’t need my salad fighting back.

5. What typical American behavior should be banned outright?

As for banning American behavior, let’s say mandatory small talk. We get it, weather. Can we move on to discussing the important stuff, like why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?

The Friday Fives

1. What will be deemed illegal in the future?

Coal burning and cigarettes

2. What don’t people want for Christmas?

More Trump. Just make the dickhead go away.

3. What poor man’s meal recipe are you willing to share?

I may have shared this already, but here you go: Grandma’s Scalloped Oysters.

1 load: Cheapest generic store brand white bread
1 stick of butter
1 can of store-brand/generic evaporated milk
1 can of oysters

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Remove the bread crust and cube the loaf
3. Melt half a stick of butter and half the bread cubes and brown in a skillet.
repeat with the remaining butter and bread.
4. Open the canned oysters and, with scissors, slice them up while still in the can to make oyster pieces
5. Drain and reserve the oyster liquor.
6. Open the can of evaporated milk and combine the milk and oyster liquor in a mixing bowl.
7. In a greased baking pan, layer bread oysters, bread, oysters, then pour the liquid over and bake at 350 for about 45 or so minutes.
It is buttery, rich, and delicious and costs almost nothing.

4. For those older than 30, what did you have/do when you were kids that modern kids couldn’t ever understand?

It was dialing a corded telephone that was mounted on the wall in the kitchen with that ridiculously long cord.

5. If your last meal was fast food only, what would it be?

Arby’s Beef and Cheddar.

The Friday Fives

1. What holiday movie are you convinced people only pretend to enjoy?

The live action Grinch Who Stole Christmas remake with Jim Carrey. Bad movie. Stay with the cute, 30-monute animated gem, folks.

2. What completely baseless holiday season conspiracy would you like to start?

The Elf on The Shelf is a part of an NSA plot to learn you secret family Christmas cookie recipe.

3. What holiday song are you convinced people only pretend to enjoy?

“All I Want for Christmas” by Mariah Carrey. Not a great song.

4. What holiday food/beverage are you convinced people only pretend to enjoy?


5. What is the weirdest holiday gift suggestion you have discovered while shopping onlline?

Giving a gift of a cow to a village in Asia or Africa.

The Friday Fives

1. What is the most disturbing thing you’ve heard said casually?

There was this click of folks running around together working in the fraud department where I worked. They were involved in a sex club/cult, and the unfiltered stories they told were quite disturbing. I am not a prude, but their stories usually leave my mouth agape.

2. You go to bed like normal, but when you wake up you’re in a hospital 200 years later, and you haven’t physically aged a day. What’s the first thing you ask?

Did the Broncos win.?

3. What TV show never gets old to you?

I still tune into Friends reruns and the Star Trek franchise.

4. What is the worst movie you have ever seen?

Leviathan is a really bad knockoff of The Abyss. There are many others, certainly, but I walked out of the theater on this one. So Bad

5. What movie would never be made nowadays?

Blazing Saddles

The Friday Fives

1. What’s an innocuous word that sounds ridiculously sexual?

Well I go with the obvious one: MOIST.

2. What is your best weight loss tip?

Trulicity. Just one shot a week and you forget to even eat much less eat less.

3. What was younger you hilariously wrong about, like completely missed the mark on that one?

I was on my 30s when I realized that Holland and The Netherlands were the same country (And I lived in Germany for a bit so I should have known better.)

4. What is a ‘strange’ food from your culture that outsiders often find bizarre, but you think everyone should try at least once?

I grew up living in a border city next to the foreign land of Utah and we always seemed to have at any gathering of food, family and friends some sort of Jello salad – a stple in the Utah culture that bled into to Craig due to the Mormon population. ( I still kind of have an affinity for Peach Jello with spiced peaches and cottage cheese as a side dish.)

5. What is the most extreme temperature you have experienced?

32 degrees below zero – with wind and snow. Craig is one fucking cold place.