thisiswhatyoushalldo

1. What is your job in the medieval world?

Roy Nallson – Medieval Accountant. 

“Get Yee Chickens Counted Here.” 

2. You start homesteading in Deadwood – how do you make your bones in the wild, wild west?

Celebrity gambling dice sharpener

3. In the near future, jobs have been eliminated and replaced by robots. How do you spend your time?

Flower arranging. I can do it better than robots. I’m talking to you, Vonnegut!

4. The aliens arrive and want some explanations of humankind that may be confusing. What do you explain to them?

Humans do no recreate by ejaculating on women’s faces, despite the pornographic “sex education training films.”

5. In an alternate timeline, what are you now doing for a career that you aren’t doing now?

Said this before – I am Rob Petrie and a television writer for Alan Brady. 

1. Of all movie opening scenes, what one sold the entire film the most?

The opening scene of M*A*S*H.  by Roger Altman. Most of the film doesn’t hold up in the #metoo world – it is a misogynistic and racist mess. But the opening scene all taken in one shot from the choppers landing to the triage and beginning of surgery really sets the tone.

2. What’s the one horror movie that genuinely terrified you while watching it?

I am not a big fan of the genre, but I did see the Blair Witch Project in a theater with knowing absolutely nothing about it and it scared me shitless!

3. What was your weirdest movie theatre experience?

In the army, on the base in Germany, we had a movie theater and this family almost always showed up with a picnic basket featuring full meals – brisket and potatoes and salad – the whole deal. It was always so odd to observe their obliviousness or, dare I say, genius at their approach to movie watching.

4. What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve brought into the movie theater?

Bourbon to put in the Cokes in order to enjoy sipping through a Red Vines® straw.

5. What used to be extra common in movie theaters that you just don’t see anymore?

The crying baby room (bring that back) and the smoking section (no need for a return).

1. What is a product/service that you can’t still believe exists in 2019?

Phone booths and prepaid long distance phone cards.

2. What was common in 1999 but is unusual in 2019?

Answering machines and caller ID boxes that you rented from the phone company.

3. What is debunked but people still belive in?

The moon landing(s).  Look people it happened.  From my neighbors front yard as a boy in the early 1970s, we could aim a telescope up to the moon and see them up there with our own eyes.  Science!

4. What instrument would you like to hear more of in modern music?

The French Horn.  Yes, an electric rock French Horn. That’s what the kids need nowadays.

5. Someone stops you and offers $1 million if you can talk 1 hour without stopping or stuttering about a topic of your choosing. What do you pick to speak about?

Keep it broad to enable you to fill time.  Classic American literature. I can blather on about that for hours. (Hell, Moby Dick can last hours.)

This was completely unrehearsed and ad libbed:

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1. What is something every day, yet on reflection you realize you really appreciate?

The simple beauty and functionality of the intersection stop light.   It works, universally across the globe.

2. What is the greatest invention ever?

Those people mover things in airports to traverse between long ass concourses.  (Seriously, it is probably the smartphone when history comes back and assess it all.)

3. What activity in P.E were you surprised that you were good at?

Running the half mile – I was actually pretty good.  And we had this very dangerous game played on these wooden scooter things that usually ended in someone getting a foot or a hand run over – but I was pretty good at the soccer game we played on those death traps.

4. What is so traumatic and disturbing that it ruined your month or year?

11/7/2016 – the dawn of the Trumpacalypse.  I still find myself sometimes just pausing with my jaw agape realizing that somehow this country made that man the most powerful man in the word.  Stunned.

5. What is something you will only buy name brand?

Toothpaste – Crest. Always Crest.

1. What’s a huge waste of money that people are still paying for in 2019?

Probably paying for a full cable package.  But it is so convenient. I am certain though that paying ala carte for each package/service channel you want is probably about the same or more.  Someone run the numbers on this, would ya?

2. What’s something only assholes buy?

Really, really huge pickups for daily, commuter urban driving.   Jeez.  If you don’t live out in the sticks, if you are not out on the back 40 poking dogies, if you aren’t hauling big trailers or transporting big pieces of equipment then you don’t need that F350 club cab with dually wheels.

3. What’s something someone could do or say in the US that scream “I’m from Europe”?

You prefer hot tea to coffee.  What is wrong with you? Wait, better yet – you don’t like iced tea and think it is kinda gross.  Europeans, I have discovered, don’t understand the sheer refreshment of iced tea.

4. Who was the dumbest person you ever met? How did you know?

Well, this will be difficult to pin down.  I graduated fro Fetal Alcohol High School there were a number of challenged folks there.  Probably one of the Voloshins.

5. What’s a dumb rule or law in your city or at your work?

Maybe not a dumb law but poor use of technology – stoplight traffic control cameras.  Heads up folk, Greenwood Village, Colo uses them to significantly contribute to their village coffers through aggressive fines. My bitter rants is now over.