The Friday Fives

1. What do people do after an orgy?

Slam them on the ass and say “Good game!”

2.  What is something depicted on TV that’s never as easy as it looks?

Having a car explode in a car crash.

3. What are you most insecure about your body and why?

My ass. i used to have a great ass from swiming and bike riding and all that running and marching in the army but now I have a fat flat ass of an old man.

4. What is a newish lifehack you have discovered that has changed your life?

Baking English Muffin Bread in the microwave. It’s fast and doesn’t heat up the whole house.

5. What’s the most misunderstood book that has affected your life?

Moby-Dick. i know have gone on and on about this here on the Fives but read it as an adult with no fear of a test or essay due at the end. It really is quite good and fun and sticks with your.

5 Replies to “The Friday Fives”

  1. 1. Avoid eye contact.

    2. Having all of the party guests arrive at exactly the same time. Never happens in real life.

    3. Right now I’m having a flareup of dermatitis on my forearms and calves. It’s a real pain to wear long sleeved shirts and pants in 95 degree weather.

    4. I’m currently driving a flashy rental car with Texas license plates. This has forced me to become the most courteous driver in the city (so I don’t get flipped off or shot). It’s been an interesting sociology experiment. I can spot the true Coloradans, as they always give you the courtesy wave when you pull over for them.

    5. I’d say the Great Gatsby. When I first read it, I viewed it as an American tragedy. All these years later, I see it as a cautionary tale.

  2. 1) Introduce the themselves, “Hi, Im’ Tony. Good game.”

    2) Taking a shit. The don’t deal with bathroom needs on TV much because it can be a time sucker and smell like holy hell.

    3) Weight. I gained weight since my 30s and I can’t seem to get on a habit change path that sticks. No diets, I need to take care of my health before something major makes me do it.

    4) Being methodical in repairing remodeling things. I used to get it done as quick as possible and it was crap. Now, I take my time and patiently do a good job.

    5) The Stand by Stephen King. Still my favorite book. Many think of it as trite King horror pulp, but you are wrong.

  3. What do people do after an orgy?

    I was kinda hoping you would know. I sadly have no idea. Not even a funny joke… like “I take your sister and your mom back home”. Ok, I am actually pretty pleased with that joke. I don’t have any experience here, not even a threesome for me. I did score a pair of sisters, but not the same night. I’d say that’s the most interesting sex story I have. Lemme tell you, college was GREAT for sex!!! We all know wonderful and strong adults who have gone to school as adults to get degrees. They do this while balancing jobs and kids and such. It’s a shame they didn’t get the college experience. To me, my college years had nothing to do with education (though I did accidentally get one). it was about being away from home, being on your own… and SO much sex. A girl doesn’t want to give it away in high school, or let it be known… she would be branded a ‘slut’. But once they hit college, they are women, and on their own.

    Sorry I’m so lame on the wild sex stories, though.

    What’s your go-to when you run out of toilet paper?

    kleenex/puffs. Because of whatever sinus things I have, I have a puffs plus in my pocket at all times. If you have ever seen me, or ever see me in the future… anywhere… I have a tissues in my pocket. BUT SINCE YOU ASKED… I recently had a very real struggle of this issue. I mean, it happened THIS week. Was at a gas station while out running errands, far from home. Had to poo, bad. In the middle of the deed, it appears there is no TP left. I’m not in a condition to step out and grab some napkins. This is another area where always having a tissue on my helps. But this day I did not.

    I was stuck, I needed to clean, there was positively no TP, or anything to wipe with. I needed to wipe, it wasn’t exactly a clean break. I considered taking off my boxers, wiping with those, and then throwing them away. I keep an extra pair of clean boxers in my truck at all times for things like this. I’m desperate now. There is the garbage over there, maybe that will have something I can use to wipe. Don’t say ‘gross’, or ‘I would never do that’. Trust me. I’ve been in Thailand where I had to shit in a hole and wipe my ass with my hand and a bucket of water nearby. You learn to improvise. So, I looked in the trash and saw a ton of TP that looked like it hadn’t been used. Prolly someone used it to line the seat. I used it, it was clean and worked perfectly. Crisis averted. There was a line of people waiting to use the bathroom after me. I let them know there was no TP, and I told the lady at the counter.

    What are you most insecure about your body and why?

    Same as yours, as everyone’s… my belly. I am about 15 pounds lighter than I was about 2 or 3 years ago, but still have a belly.

    What is a newish lifehack you have discovered that has changed your life?

    Wait… didn’t this start off about orgies? Here is a lifehack that is newish I am looking for… someone get me into an orgy, already!

    What’s the most misunderstood book that has affected your life?

    Dianetics. Just kidding, but I do have a copy of it. It’s absurd, it (and he) started as a science fiction book. He wrote a LOT of science fiction. But then later decided to monetize it and make it all a religion. I’ve read a ton of books by ex Scientologists… including 2 different books from David Miscavige’s own family. He is the current leader of Scientology every since L Ron left his mortal thetans behind. His own family has NOTHING good to say about him. Ask his dad, or his sister. Both of whom had to escape. Not leave… but escape! One does not leave Scientology. Oh no. I vaguely recall reading the dad’s escape story… full prison break. The compound had razor wire, armed guards, watchtowers… the works. He snuck out in a trunk, I believe. For further reading about the very scary organization – who is actually listed a real and protected and tax exempt religion – I recommend this site. How Tom Cruise’s Wedding to Katie Holmes Changed Scientology Forever

    Oh, and people are STILL looking for Shelly, it’s been about 25 years since anyone has seen her. But I am very very passionate about books, so let’s get serious about books and movements and cool literature.

    Of course there is Alice in Wonderland, about opening your mind and accepting weird things and moving forward and always being polite. But I’ve been ranting about the joys of that book for 30 years. Here is a new book I read a year or two ago, and it’s the ‘Big Fish’ of books. Damn, that is the name.. Something like the Wolf and the Coyote and the Little Boy.*** You can read it in an hour. It made me cry. Ever since then, I keep an extra copy of this book to go through someone who is having a really rough time. They made a movie out of it, a cartoon I think. I refuse to see it because the book is SO incredibly and magically perfect that I won’t sully its impact by watching someone else’s interpretation.

    *** editors note to self, it’s called ‘The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse’.

  4. 1) Shower, collect my money and go home.

    2) Having really good friends.

    3) I am morbidly obese. I hate myself for it. I know what needs to be done but lack the emotional & mental strength to commit and change the course of my life.

    4) Using the upright bidet in my bathroom.

    5) The fucking Bible. More people have misunderstood that book and caused more discomfort and issues for me and the entire world than any other.

  5. 1. Mop.

    2. Solving a murder.

    3. Having my photo taken. I feel ok looking in a mirror, but anytime I see myself in pictures/video, I feel like the parents of the blind girl when they first met Rocky Dennis in “Mask”.

    4. If you wear earbud while walking in public, panhandlers don’t approach you.

    5. To Kill A Mockingbird. The first book that really pulled me in and made me love reading.

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