The Friday Fives

Today’s post suggested by Lono: (
“Using humor and the style from please answer these questions with no more than a paragraph-long response for each. (You can edit the source to anything you want for the Chatbot to use as its basis). Questions are from this blog one year ago.

Pretty genius, actually.

1. If you had the power to shut down a company for good, which company would it be?

Oh, shutting down a company? That’s a tough one. Maybe I’d go with a company that makes square watermelons—because fruit should not be confined by geometry! Let watermelons be their irregular, wobbly selves.

2. If you could ban one song from the airwaves, what would it be?

Banning a song? Easy peasy. “Baby Shark.” If I hear that tune one more time, I might join a synchronized swimming team of sharks to escape it.

3. If you could cancel one television show or moment from the airwaves, what would it be?

Cancel a TV show or moment? How about we erase that time when everyone thought it was a good idea to bring back the mullet? Business in the front, party in the back? More like, “No thanks, I’ll pass.”

4. What movie should just not exist?A movie that should vanish into thin air?

“Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.” Seriously, who greenlit that? I don’t need my salad fighting back.

5. What typical American behavior should be banned outright?

As for banning American behavior, let’s say mandatory small talk. We get it, weather. Can we move on to discussing the important stuff, like why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?

4 Replies to “The Friday Fives”

  1. [Non AI Boosted Responses]

    1. Cigna, United Healthcare, CVS/Aetna, et. al. Health insurance companies handle all of the money for an enormous swath of our economy, and deliver ZERO value. Shut ’em down. Prices will drop, and outcomes will improve.

    2. 1-877-KARS-4KIDS. No explanation required.

    3. An obese man descending a gold escalator, announcing his plans to bring the world to an end.

    4. “The Others.” A sad period remake of the “Sixth Sense.” Starring Nicole Kidman. With a strange (bad) British accent. And she’s dead the whole time but doesn’t realize it. You get my point.

    5. Tipping. Either pay people to do their jobs, or don’t. Don’t expect me to pay your employees because you opened a business that can’t succeed on its own.

  2. 1. Facebook. It made people feel that they needed to express every little nugget sitting in their head. We need to go back to the old days when we knew none of us were that important and not everyone cares what we think.

    2. The Hokey Pokey. It servs no purpose other than as a distraction for non-imaginative dullards at roller skating rinks.

    3. Anything on Disney+.

    4. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Everything should have ended once Luke’s arc had finished. Since then, Lucasfilm/Disney has butt-raped the franchise for so long, so deep, that it’s become a sad, AIDS-ridden shell of its former self. (And that goes for you too, Indiana Jones. Fuck you!)

    5. Posting yourself on TikTok, especially if you’re continuing a trend of stupid dances or pulling a prank on a family member. Unless you’re chronicling your own delicious suicide, you’re not doing anything unique or entertaining.

  3. 1) Tesla. I am tired of egomaniacal douchebags and their products continue to have ongoing issues. So many bought into the facade.

    2) Mumford and Sons, the entire catalog of song after song that sounds the same.

    3) Survivor. I wish it had stopped before it started.

    4) The Human Centipede, because enough people watched it to spawn parts 2 and 3. FEED HER!

    5) Acting like America doesn’t have so much shame on how the country came to be. Our country repressed and killed more cultures in the shortest time of existence than any other country. Now that’s something to brag about.

  4. 1) No contest, the Catholic Church. No company has caused more global destruction and harm.

    2) The Macarena can go to hell.

    3) The Walking Dead and all spin offs can join The Macarena in hell.

    4) Ishtar.

    5) Political robo calls. Fuck that shit!

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