Posted on by Roy

Friday Fives

Friday Fives

1. Everyone’s got crazy relatives. Tell us about some of yours.
I come from a family of Kooks. The entire Vernal, Utah contingent of belligerent, hard livin’, hard drinkin’ Mormon’s mostly come to mind. Cousin “D” is the most prominent – a gun nut, right wing, misogynistic wack job who glares at women if they even think of speaking up in the company of men and is always asking “where you keep your guns?”
Seriously.
He is concerned that our family didn’t keep a gun or two out in the plain view and handy in case of an uprising. If there is a Utah Militia of Separatists, I am sure he is one of them.

2. Which television shows, recent or old, were you most disappointed
to see cancelled?
Micheal Moore’s the Awful Truth. And Match Game. I loved that game show as a kid.

3. Which deaths of famous people have made you the saddest?
Johnny Cash, Warren Zevon.

4.Make up your own church.
The church of Guinness. We shall worship at the alter of the dark stout ale. Rejoice in the darkness.

5.What have you killed with a spade or other blunt instrument? Extra
points awarded at my discretion for style, elan and sheer absurdity.
In my youthful lawn care and gardening days, back when I had the patience and ability to tend to living things I killed a lot of bugs with the back of a spade. I have no real serial killing “gonk” tales to regale you with, alas.

8 Replies to “Friday Fives”

  1. 1. Everyone’s got crazy relatives. Tell us about some of yours.
    ItÂ’s an embarassment of riches, really. The dysfunction is so abundant and thick that we spread it on our toast. One of my favorite crazy relatives is truly crazy. My Aunt Betty is a paranoid schizophrenic, now hospitalized. She was a prolific letter writer, and as children we always looked forward to her next missive detailing the police who lived in her shrubs and beat her when she left the house. SheÂ’s a real peach.

    2. Which television shows, recent or old, were you most disappointed to see cancelled?
    Here are a couple of obscure one—The Associates a surprisingly smart sitcom from James Burrows (around 1979) that introduced us to Martin Short. It lasted less than a season. Also, Police Squad lasted less than a season, but the reruns still hold up.

  2. 3. Which deaths of famous people have made you the saddest?
    Gianni VersaceÂ’s death made me sad, and angry. And IÂ’m none too pleased at the thought of Julia ChildÂ’s ghost possibly inhabiting my toaster oven.

    4.Make up your own church.
    There’s a church here in Denver called “Church at the Bar,” where people meet at a bar, indulge in some light theology, and follow it up with some heavy drinking. That sounds like the right mix to me.

    5.What have you killed with a spade or other blunt instrument? Extra points awarded at my discretion for style, elan and sheer absurdity.
    While technically not a “killing,” nor a “blunt instrument,” I did once perform an emergency appendectomy on my sister’s Jane West doll using a drill press. The patient, alas, did not survive.

  3. 1. Interestingly enough, I, too, had a Crazy Aunt Betty. My grandpa’s youngest sister was very ‘off’, and the best story I have of her is this: as a young woman she was still living at home (because that’s what they did in the 20’s). One day her family embarked on an afternoon journey to shop in the city and she volunteered to stay behind and paint the living room. The family came back to smartly painted walls.. ..and couches.. ..and lampshades.. ..and windows. Christopher Lowell she wasn’t.
    2. Family Guy. Although with great delight, I have learned that they are starting up again this fall on FX. It’s The Simpsons for the new millenia.

  4. 3. Johnny Cash’s passing made me very sad. As did Ella Fitzgerald’s.
    4. My own church? ‘Church of the Three Sages’. Do-sage, u-sage and sau-sage. Drugs, drink and delicious breakfast meats. What more could you want in a church?
    5. This is a tough one. The only thing that is coming to mind is that once I actually hit and stunned a fly in mid-air with a swatter. I’m sure there are other, more grandiose, stories, but that’s all I got.

  6. I love this question. All the shit my sister Monica has done would probably crash this web site. Suffice to say she’s had 4 kids over the span of ten years and rather than take care of any of them she went to get high or to prison. Oh, by the way, 3 out of 4 of them were born with fetal alcohol syndrome. She’s a real winner. Did I mention she has stolen over $10,000 from her own family, over $2,000 from me personally. Not including my mothers silverware that was inherited from my great grandmother which was priceless. I could go on and on but I’ll save it for the book.

  7. 1. Everyone’s got crazy relatives. Tell us about some of yours.
    I have a drug-addled cousin that appeared in the party scene in Less Than Zero. Gorgeous, but a complete nutjob.
    2. Which television shows, recent or old, were you most disappointed
    to see cancelled?
    Okay, IÂ’ll admit itÂ…Xfiles. Shut it, all of you.
    3. Which deaths of famous people have made you the saddest?
    Johnny Cash, Jerzy Kosinski, Lucille BallÂ….
    4.Make up your own church.
    My church is called the Church of Never Work Again. So far working is still getting in the way of attendance.
    5.What have you killed with a spade or other blunt instrument? Extra
    points awarded at my discretion for style, elan and sheer absurdity.
    I once wildly hacked a snake in half while sitting rather precariously astride a lurching riding lawn mower clad in a dress and red cowboy boots. That has to count for something.

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